Friday, August 6, 2010

Maybe You're Not Shy After All...

Please help me welcome romantic suspense author R. Ann Siracusa to the blog.

When I agreed to write an article for Rebeccas’s Once Written Twice Shy blog, I intended to share some of my own experiences learning to overcome shyness and being in the public eye. But after reading the blog, and others dealing with shy writers and shyness in general―I was surprised at how much there is out there on the topic―I was struck by how many writers made statements like J.A.Saare on June 25, 2010 when she wrote, “The truth is, as often as I think of myself as shy, I’ve been told I’m quite the opposite.”

Hey! That’s my story. So, what’s the deal?

While researching the topic, I decided many of us may suffer from confusion in terminology. I’m not sure that makes a difference in how one handles marketing, selling yourself to editors and agents, making public presentations, handling book signings, and the like. But I do believe the more we understand about ourselves, the easier it is to address our problems and make informed choices. Besides, as authors, we are word crafters and should be masters of that craft. Words do make a difference.

So here goes! Instead of being shy, you may be an extrovert who is shy. Well, that’s crazy. Shy people are introverts. The words mean the same thing. Everyone knows that. I thought so, too, but not according to psychologists and experts in the field.

Shyness
Shyness can be defined as feelings of
apprehension, discomfort, anxiety, dread, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, particularly in new situations or with unfamiliar people. In biology, the word “shy” generally means "tends to avoid human beings."

While most experts generally agree on the definition, I found in my research numerous opinions about the reasons for shyness. Most sources indicated shyness as a learned behavior which can occur in certain stages of development in children, is learned in a certain cultural environments, or is a cultural norm. And not only that, but it’s a learned behavior which is fueled by a concern that one will be (or is being) judged negatively by other people, regardless of whether this is actually the case.

As a result, many shy people never overcome this feeling of discomfort in social situations because they limit social interactions to reduce their anxiety.

But, hey! If it’s learned behavior, it can be “unlearned,” right? Yes, it can.

Introversion
Introversion is another matter. Introvert and Extrovert are defined as personality types and all people seem to be categorized as being one or the other, although a few experts acknowledged there are people in the middle although they may have a tendency toward one type or the other. Not one article I read stated or implied that this is learned behavior.

By most definitions, introverts tend to be people who are reserved, less outgoing and less sociable. They aren’t necessarily loners, but tend to have smaller circles of friends and find it easier to solve things inside their heads without help. Introversion doesn’t mean social discomfort but rather social preference. An introvert may not be
shy at all but may merely prefer non social or less social activities. Another expert described introverts as needing more down time. This natural preference is found in the animal kingdom where some species prefer to live and travel in groups or herds and others tend to be solitary.

Sophia Dembling, in her post “Introversion vs. Shyness” on her Psychology Today blog The Introvert’s Corner, draws the distinction clearly:
▪ Shy is the fear of socializing.
▪ Introversion is a lack of interest in socializing.
She also writes, “Someone who is introverted and shy will behave differently from someone who is introverted and not shy, who will behave differently from someone who is extroverted and shy, who will behave differently from someone who is extroverted and not shy.” And, by the way, this is good information for developing fictional characters.

The bottom line: Both introverts and extroverts may suffer anxiety in social situations. Presumably, based on Dembling’s statement, they would handle it quite differently.

A Comparison
Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., a researcher, educator, author, psychotherapist and authority on introversion, compares introverts and extroverts on her site
The Introvert Advantage:
Introverts:
▪ Enjoy time alone
▪ Good listeners
▪ Appear calm and self-contained
▪ Consider only deep relationships as friends
▪ Feel drained after outside activities, even if they were fun
▪ Think, then speaks or act

Extroverts:
▪ Like to be in the thick of things
▪ Relish variety
▪ Know lots of people, considers lots of people friends
▪ Enjoy chit-chatting, even to strangers
▪ Feel stoked after activity
▪ Speak or act then think or think while speaking

According to several articles, people who are in between who don't mind being in a big crowd or alone. These people may have a large group of friends but don't mind spending time alone. One expert wrote, “Being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean shy. It means your energy drains when you're in group situations while extroverts bathe in the energy.”

According to the article “
Introversion: The Often Forgotten Factor Impacting the Gifted,” by Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig, introverts belong to two distinct groups:

▪ “Group A: Self-sufficient, confident, hardworking, with firm goals, self-actualizing, reserved, preferring activities that involve inner experience and introspection; and

▪ “Group B: Shy, timid, withdrawn with low self-concept, lacking in communication skills, demonstrating fear of people, dread of doing things in front of others, who prefer being left alone.

Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP)
To complicate things, throw into the mix the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) who has often been labeled as shy or introverted but isn’t necessarily. I’d heard the term but never read up on it. A highly sensitive person is a one who is very easily affected by things. They are said to have a “high sensitivity,” but this isn’t learned behavior or personality type. People falling into this category, which represents about a fifth of the population, are biologically wired so they process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their
nervous systems. People who are HSP are more aware of and responsive to other people's moods and judgments, and to their own inner feelings. They can be either introverts or extroverts, shy or not shy.

The key point: In the past, HSP was often confused with innate shyness, inhibitedness, innate fearfulness, introversion, and so on. People who think of themselves as shy may actually be HSP.

Who are you?
Knowing who you are and why you react the way you do makes a difference when you’re trying to find your personal path in the world of writing and publishing. There are many choices to make. Some may be right for you, others wrong. You may be willing to work at overcoming your shyness, you may not. That’s a decision the individual has to make. Behavior modification is possible, but it’s hard work and requires commitment. Some writers may choose to work around shyness rather than attempt to overcome it.

I overcame shyness in relation to making public presentations before large audiences, TV cameras, and political bodies (such as City Councils) simply because I had to. It was a requirement of my job as a Planning Director, and the more experience I had under my belt, the less anxious I became. I also found that I was less nervous when I knew my topic cold. In some positions, I had to present the work and reports prepared by my staff, and that was much more difficult for me. But I’m still shy about talking to strangers and meeting new people.

After doing this research, I thought about all the writers who I, personally, have heard say, “I’m shy.” Not necessarily as an excuse, but an explanation…even a confession. Then I thought about what my editor would say if I wrote, “She was shy.” She would tag me with the note: “Lazy. How does she feel? What is she thinking? How is she reacting? Show it.”

If we, as writers, take apart our own feelings and reactions in the same way as we deal with our fictional characters, perhaps it will be easier to find what works best for each of us. Be true to yourself.


R. Ann Siracusa has been writing fiction and non-fiction for over thirty years. While working in her chosen career of architecture and urban planning and raising a family, she made time to travel and to write fiction. This talented author combines the love of good story telling and experiencing other cultures into novels which transport readers to exotic settings, immerse them in romance, intrigue and foreign cultures, and make them laugh.

Today, she is retired, lives in San Diego, California, and writes full time [which is as many hours as an Italian husband, three grown children, and eight grandchildren will allow on any given day]. Her first novel, a mafia thriller, was published in 2008. Since then, four additional works have been published by Sapphire Blue Publishing, books one and two in the humorous romantic suspense series “Harriet Ruby: Tour Director Extraordinaire,” and two short stories featuring the same hero and heroine. The third book in the series is scheduled for release in August, and a third short story in September.

She has been active in Romance Writers of America since 1985 and recently served two terms as Co-president of the San Diego RWA Chapter. You can learn more about R. Ann on her website and Facebook.

7 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for writing this fabulous blog. I hope we can generate some traffic here, because your information is so interesting. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. One interesting question is whether "shyness" is a question of how you feel, or how you behave. When I was a child, I couldn't bear to make telephone calls to strangers. I hated going to parties because I always felt awkward and inadequate. Being with new people made me nervous.

    Now I sometimes feel the same way, but I don't give in to those feelings. So have I gotten over my shyness? Or have I learned to live with it?

    Best,
    Lisabet

    ReplyDelete
  3. Very interesting! I'm an introvert, but not shy. Not anymore. I was as a kid, but I've definitely learned how to be social. I just prefer having my down time all alone. :) I'm still recovering from conference, though you'd have thought I was the queen of socializing there.

    I also think confidence plays a huge part. Now that I'm published, I feel like I have value in a writerly conversation. Maybe that's silly, as I wasn't uninteresting before, but now I feel like I belong when I'm in a group of writers. It's my Superman cape, I guess. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow-I've totally been schooled-great article!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mmm I think, reading this, I am an extrovert who is shy. I talk like mad to anyone and anything lol yet inside I am quaking through the whole conversation.
    Great post. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Really interesting post. I reckon I'm an introvert who can overcome shyness when I have to. I get a bit desperate if there are lengthy spells where I can't be alone and quiet. I tend to avoid social situations but when I do attend I generally have a great time!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm an introvert who used to be shy but now I'm not, but I prefer to be alone or with just my best best friends. Great information. Loved it.

    ReplyDelete