Don't Be Intimidated

My name is Marianne Strnad and I am not a shy writer. However, I have spent many years being extremely intimidated by people, which can outwardly resemble shy.

I thank Mom for giving me the “outgoing personality” gene, but curse Dad for the “Why yes-I’d love to take your crap and not say anything” gene. Sometimes the former can be a curse when I presume too much familiarity with someone I hardly know, and the latter a blessing when trying to diffuse a very bad situation. More on this concept later.

I’m quite new to the pursuit of authoring my first novel and realize that I have just thrown myself headlong into a steep learning curve. The first thing I learned was that authorship and “all things writerly” has its own unique lingo; I’m hearing terms I’ve never heard before. Secondly, there are sub-genres of romance writing out there that I never knew existed. Don’t even get me started on all the legal stuff and self-promotion concerns that now lie ahead of me-yikes! Thankfully, the one bit of advice I have heard repeatedly is to never give up, and to avoid allowing the inevitable rejections and critical reviews diminish your dreams of writing. Unfortunately, that which registers as sound advice to some folks may not sink into the psyche of others, and those who are easily intimidated are the first among them.

Flashback to high school in the mid-seventies. It never failed that when you took a stand for something, there was always an equal and opposite force working to crush your spirit into a compromise of your standing principle. It’s a scene that repeats itself endlessly in the realm of “Us versus Them”, and is nearly always at the heart of teen angst. We’ve all been there, and it is painful to the core. When I was in my junior year of high school and in the throes of my own teenage angst, a science teacher of mine dispensed a short piece of advice to me that became my personal watershed moment in life.

I’ll never forget him. Maxwell Stewart taught physical science my freshman year. I immediately liked his laid-back style of teaching and easygoing way of explaining scientific concepts. However, two years later he witnessed a terrible fight I had with a classmate in the hallway during a class change. The classmate was literally swearing a blue streak at me for a stand that I had taken on a class issue, which of course he was dead set against. The loud brawl left me feeling physically ripped to shreds from the verbal onslaught. Afterwards, Mr. Stewart called me over and spoke this simple phrase to me, “Marianne, when somebody says something bad about you, they are really saying more about themselves than they are of you.” At the time, I remember thinking that his advice was just a “pat answer”- an oversimplification of life and more or less brushed it off. However, his advice sank in and embedded itself into a place in my brain where it lay hidden until later in life.

Over time, I realized how wise Mr. Stewart really was. Using his advice has freed me from the chains of intimidation that used to strangle that fun-loving and outgoing personality Mom gave me. Whenever another horrid situation or point of contention arose, recalling Mr. Stewart’s words released me from the hurt that I would have previously accepted into my soul by thrusting it back on the doer, much like reversing the polarity of a force. When the doer of an evil is taking their own hurt and throwing it onto you, you can either choose to accept it internally and become hurt by it, or disown the responsibility of their words by refusing to accept them. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

In the first paragraph of her poem “Life In This World”, my poet friend Daniella Pawl beautifully illustrates my meaning:

Life in this world
Is a journey
We feel the pain
We take it and that fire burns
It is in these burning moments that we have the possibility
To decide what becomes fuel
What becomes ammunition
So it doesn't turn on ourselves

Mr. Stewart taught me that I can refuse to let hateful words become the fuel that will devour my spirit and cause me to cower before bullies.

So, what does this have to do with writing and not being shy? It’s a fear-releaser. If you’re shy because you’re afraid to suffer the hurt of potential ridicule, then the advice I use from Mr. Stewart can possibly be your ticket out of a self-imposed fear imprisonment too. Personally, it has prepared me to avoid becoming too bruised by rejection letters, writing edits, or criticism in general. It’s my go-to coping mechanism, maybe others will find it helpful as well. Still not convinced? Watch the bully’s facial contortions as he or she spews his poison; it’s almost comical if it weren’t so sad. When in full character assassination mode, these folks libel only themselves.

Lastly, if all else fails and you are feeling particularly brave and confident in your use of humor, there’s always my favorite snarky comeback you can use post-verbal barrage, (and saying this straight-faced works best) “Sphincter say what???”

Thanks again Mr. Stewart for an unexpected life lesson. And by the way, you totally rocked that ‘stache back in the day!