Recovering a Sense of Power
You may have noticed that Week 3 took me two weeks instead of one. While this program is 12 weeks in the book, Ifigured there was no harm in going longer if I felt the need.
I ended up purchasing the workbook, and have been reading through it, doing some tasks from earlier weeks that I skipped. I think the workbook will be really valuable – I recommend getting it if you haven’t already.
Every section of this week’s chapter spoke to me. The first is about Anger. “In the recovery of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health,” Cameron says. Well, good. Guess I’m healthy. She says with a little digging, we can figure out what our anger is trying to tell us, that it will always tell us how we’ve betrayed ourselves.
I’m angry at myself for all the time I’ve wasted over the last few weeks/months/years, worrying about this, that and the other thing rather than just writing. I spend a lot of time telling myself “I can’t” or “This is a waste of time” rather than just sitting down to write. I spend a lot of time being jealous and envious of others’ successes; if I spent as much time writing as I do comparing myself to others, I’d be way better off. If I could grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself, I would.
Cameron also talks about Synchronicity. This is probably my favorite part of this whole course, because it’s so true. “Watch out for what you pray for, you just might get it.” She says once we start our creative recovery, synchronicity (answered prayers, the open door, whatever you want to call it) will pop up everywhere. She says never to ask yourself if you can do something. She says to say instead that you are doing it. And amazing things will start to happen.
“Let your hook always be cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.”--Ovid
I haven’t experienced much synchronicity yet while doing this creative recovery, but I know I will. I just need to keep my eyes open to it.
Another thing Cameron talks about which really hits home with me is Shame. “What will the neighbors think” was my grandmother’s favorite saying. It must have sunk into my brain because whenever I write a steamy sex scene, I think my mom’s going to read this, or some of my co-workers might read this, etc. Why do I care? If I wrote graphic horror novels, I wouldn’t think twice about friends and family reading those scenes. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten so many comments over the years about my choice to write romance. “I think it’s time you take your writing more seriously.” “Did you know Becky writes those smut novels?” “Do you actually read romances?” Yes. I love to read romance novels. It’s my favorite genre. It makes sense that I would write it. So what’s my problem?
I also feel shame that I spend so much time on my writing, when I could be spending more time with my family, or cleaning my house, or cooking, or any of the bazillion other activities I could be doing.
Clearly, I have some serious issues to overcome, LOL, thus this program and thus the reason for taking my time in completing Week 3.
Morning pages—I do these daily. They are pretty whiny and like a glorified To Do list lately, but my day would feel incomplete without them.
Artist Date: Last week, I spent about 45 minutes at the local Goodwill, looking at their huge selection of used books. I also like looking through the furniture and vases and pottery. This week, I didn’t do an artist date. I’m still resisting it. It still feels like a waste of my time, which means I really need it.
Tasks: I did the majority of the tasks. Now that I have the workbook, I plan to eventually go back and finish them all.
How’s your creative recovery going? Does my craziness make you feel better about yours?